


July 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [13]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 02:55:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark spends his summer getting to know Lex and spending a lot of time pondering the consequences of telling Lex his secret.<br/>He makes a friend in Dick Grayson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	July 2004

01 July @ 06:17 pm

I still haven't been able to figure out exactly what happened. I went over last night to talk to Lex, and we ended up having sex. I turned coward at the last second and couldn't ask him what was wrong. I was too afraid that he would say it's me that's wrong. 

Lex asked me to fuck him as hard as I could. If he knew how hard that really was, he'd run in the other direction. I could see it in his eyes after it was over. He regretted it. He didn't say it, but I could see.

After it was over, I pulled myself together as best as I could and pretended that everything was okay. It's not what I wanted. I wanted something more. I wanted us to communicate, and I realize that I don't know how to do that with him. I can't read him. I try so hard to figure out what he means when he says things. I want to understand him so badly, but I think maybe I'm in way over my head.

We went down to the kitchen to get something to eat. He tried not to show how much pain he was in, but I saw the bruises forming on his body.

I think back to the moment when he cried out my name. I thought he was enjoying himself. I think he wanted me to stop or slow down or something. I should have paid attention. I got carried away.

He asked me if it was what I wanted. I should have seen that something was wrong. I should have been stronger emotionally.

During sex I grabbed at the sofa and crushed it between my fingers! If that had been him - I can't even finish that sentence. If he doesn't already suspect something is different about me this will pretty much clue him in. 

 

03 July @ 11:08 pm

Dad and I drove Richard to the airport. On the way home dad immediately started to list all the things he wants me to do that I couldn't do because I was pretending to be 'normal.'

The minute we got home, he asks me to lift the tractor so he can fix it. I'm not a jack! I was too happy about everything and so proud of myself for not breaking my promise to complain right then. When I pointed out to dad that I had kept my promise he just grunted and said 'pass me the wrench.'

I'm not bitter. He's used to me being able to lift heavy things. He's used to me being able to do all these chores that no human could possibly do. I know what's going to happen. Mom will figure it out and tell dad he should talk to me about it.

I miss Richard already. I had gotten so used to having him here. It was nice to have somebody who didn't question my every move or demand anything more from me than friendship. And I didn't bore him.

Sometimes I just wish everything were that simple. I know it's a dream, since life isn't simple. Even if I weren't an alien from another planet life wouldn't be simple.

I'm glad I have Lex. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's opened me up to new possibilities and if it weren't for him my dad might never have told me the truth about my origins. I owe so much to Lex.

It's funny because I care about him, and at the same time he scares me. I feel exhilarated when I'm with him. It's like when I breathed life into him on the riverbank I breathed life into myself.

 

05 July @ 10:55 pm

Yesterday, when Lex stopped by the picnic grounds in his brand new car that he got to replace the one I'd had repainted, he took me for a ride.

After we drove out of town, Lex stopped and we made out. It was cool but if I liked it so much why do I feel off? I feel like maybe I did something wrong. I'm sure it's nothing. I think maybe I'm just being paranoid. I hadn't seen Lex since the incident. We'd only emailed back and forth. That seemed to turn out fine, but then I totally spazzed out when I saw him. But later we talked, and I think it went well. 

I e-mailed Dick to make sure he got home okay and he e-mailed back to let me know he had a great time and that he can't wait for us to hang out together again.

 

06 July @ 11:15 pm

Dad kept me busy today. The only time I had a chance to get off the farm was to have dinner over at Pete's. He's heading out of town again for a week so we spent some time together. 

Now I'm just hanging out in the loft, trying to read a book. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about things with Lex. I didn't get to see him today. I've picked up the phone a million times to call him. Then I realize I have nothing to say to him. I mean, we could talk, but what would I talk about? Cows? How the tractor broke down again?

Or sex.

That last time we had sex, I was more afraid than I let on. I had this fear in the back of my mind that I would break him or hurt him so badly that he'd have to go see a doctor. But I did it anyway. I pushed past my limits. I should have stopped. It terrifies me. I don't want to hurt Lex.

I was thinking about the handcuffs again last night while I jerked off. It's a turn-on. I would have complete control over him. He couldn't get away. But then I know if I really didn't want him to escape all I would have to do is hold him down.

I keep fantasizing that Lex holds me down. I want to be powerless. I've only ever felt that way twice, and that was when I was the scarecrow and when I was human, but those times sucked because of the meteor rocks.

The thought of Lex having total control over me in bed is terrifying and exciting all at once. It's making me so excited. 

 

07 July @ 10:46 pm

Mr. K showed up for lunch. He wanted to thank me for my help with the car. He said that Lex went out and got a brand new car to replace the one that I had repainted. Lex could tell the car was repainted and that bothered him. He was really angry. Anybody who doesn't know him would not be able to tell, but I could tell.

Mr. K also wanted to know if I knew of any houses up for sale. He wants to settle down here. My mom mentioned one up for sale. Mr. K and I went for a drive to look at the house mom mentioned. I think he's going to try to buy it. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about Lex, but he did say that Lex has been keeping to himself.

Mom and dad are fighting right now. She's mad at Dad for things to do with me. They got into a huge argument right after dinner. It's almost become a ritual; dad disagrees and mom tries to convince him that I should be allowed to get out more and do more normal things. It's not that my dad wants to hide me away on the farm. I know he's just overprotective.

 

09 July @ 06:30 pm

The past few days have gone by so fast. I have to be more careful when I do deliveries. I left Lex for last so we could hang out and shoot some pool. We haven't done that in a while. He was tense and angry because of his father. I wish I knew what to say to him about Mr. Luthor. His whole life has been an open book so whenever something happens in the Luthor household the world knows about it.

His dad scares me. I've never actually met him. I've seen him and he looks really imposing. My dad has had dealings with him and can't stand the man at all. I don't know the details of what happened between them in the past that there should be so much animosity. It was enough to make dad dislike Lex on sight just because of his name. It must be really bad.

I told Lex that he could talk to me about it any time he wants. I would just listen if that were all he wanted. I really don't have any words of wisdom, but at least I can listen. He turned me down, and I get that. He's a private person.

Yesterday Lex and I started to get hot and heavy on his sofa and my dad called just as Lex was about to shove his hand down my pants. I almost passed out: total mood kill. Dad ordered me home so I had to leave, but I promised Lex I would see him the next day.

On another note, Bruce called to tell me that Dick is missing. I offered to help find him, but he told me to stay put in case Dick calls or shows here. I hope he's okay.

 

10 July @ 12:00 am

I just got back from Lex's place. I fell asleep in his bed after sex. 

I feel so much better about things between us. At first, I thought for sure the night was going to be a bust. We went for a drive. He let me pick the car - the red Ferrari. I love that car! Then we parked and he pulled out a blanket. We stared at the stars for a bit then we made out. I wasn't sure what would happen since the last time we were together we were interrupted. This time I turned off my cell phone and I made sure mom knew who I was with that way she wouldn't have to worry.

We sort of talked about that time when I handcuffed him to the bed. I only did it as a joke and didn't really get that it could be hot until after. He thinks I was playing dumb. How am I supposed to explain to him that I just don't get stuff like that? Before him, I never understood half the things I understand now. I never got sex until him. I feel so embarrassed to write this here. It's not that I'm naive, I just didn't really think about this kind of stuff.

I have to admit, I was upset by what he implied. I tried to hide it, but he figured it out. I felt bad after because we were having such a great time up until then. We managed to get past it, but then he wanted to do more things that for some reason I didn't feel comfortable doing out in the open. He was fine with taking it to the mansion.

After that, the date was amazing. I wanted to ask how things were with all the problems he'd talked about yesterday, but I really didn't think it was an appropriate time. Besides he had his tongue in my ear so I was a little distracted to talk.

I totally dived on him. He looked so good. He always looks good but I guess the interruption from yesterday (which required that I take care of things on my own. That was almost a disaster since mom walked into my room right after I had finished. Luckily I had my blanket over me!)

Tonight though, everything was amazing. I felt like things are back to normal between us. I can't wait to see him again. I totally loved getting off on him, and on top of that, I got to suck him off. He very much enjoyed that.

We passed out after that. I was a surprised but I guess I was more tired than I realized. I woke him and kissed him good-bye then left. Now I'm in my room. Dad gave me a dirty look and asked if I had been over to see Lex. I knew mom had told him. I could tell. I think my huge grin only made matters worse. Not to mention I hadn't showered yet. That thought just sent my mind to all kinds of erotic places.

 

11 July @ 11:53 pm

Dick is home safe. He called and we talked. I had a feeling that things with Broody were off, but we never really talked about it in details. I'm really glad things are better now between them. I'm also glad to see that Dick is home safe. I have to ask dad if he can come to stay again before the summer is over. It was so much fun the first time. 

@ 01:18 am

Is it alien biology or just the famous Kent temper? 

I could be a study in nature vs nurture. 

I am so fucking mad right now. Jerk! Sometimes I feel so stupid. 

I want to smash something in a bad way. I think I will go do some work as fast as possible, or maybe go for a really long run. I'll run and not stop and see where that takes me.

Or maybe I'll go over to the mansion right now and show Lex just how strong I really am. Cuff him to the fucking bed and never let him go.

I need something, and I don't know what it is. I feel lost.

 

13 July @ 12:53 pm

I didn't think he'd actually say yes! Now I have to pose for photographs for Lex! Naked! He's going to show me pictures of him in exchange for me posing nude.

I can't do that! It'll be so humiliating! I'll blush the whole time. 

I must be insane. 

@ 11:33 pm

Lana needed somebody to talk to, but I ran out of the coffee shop as fast as the wind. I don't know why, but I felt uncomfortable talking to her about it. I never have before. I have, but not that uncomfortable. 

I went over to Pete's place tonight for dinner. I'm avoiding my dad. (More on that later.) I just feel like I need to figure this out. I care a lot about Lana and I don't want to hurt her, but Pete thinks that I did. I sort of told him what happened. I stopped by the other night to hang out and talk to some friends. The Talon was a quiet so Lana and I had time to talk. She admitted that she and Chloe had fought when they got together in the city on the weekend.

I felt guilty even talking to Lana about Chloe since I haven't kept in touch with Chloe as I promised I would. Pete told me to get my sorry butt over to Lana's. I told him that they had a fight. I feel so lame for bailing on Lana like that. I guess I just panicked. 

I better get to bed.

In other news I saw Lex tonight and we took pictures. Not naked ones. I promise to explain later about that, too.

 

14 July @ 11:45 am

I have had the best night ever.

I needed to get out of the house because Dad was being a big jerk. To make a long story short he said no to me having Dick visit and stay again this summer. I spent most of the morning doing a job dad had been bugging me to do all week, but I was taking my time since I had plenty of that. I was having such a great day until I went to have lunch. Dad was so relaxed I figured it was the perfect time to bring up how well things went with Dick's visit. He said that I'm way too busy to have a friend over again and now that things are about to pick up, he needs me to pay attention to my work. When he asked if I'd finished the job he had me doing all morning, I had to tell him that I hadn't gotten all the work done.

Mom stayed out of it, but she did try to reason with my dad. He was so stubborn. I ate my lunch fast and high-tailed it out of there. I spent the rest of the day in the far field so I wouldn't have to run into him. Later on, I went back in to let mom know I'd be going to hang with Pete. 

I went over to my friend's place and we shot some hoops. It was nice to get away from the farm and hang out. We talked about Lana and he asked if there were any new developments with her. I told him that Lana and I will never be anything more than friends and that I'm cool with that. I also told him about how I bailed on her the other day. He went on about how it was a missed opportunity. I told him to back off since it was really starting to bother me. I wanted to tell him the truth, but I know he'd never understand about Lex. 

After I had dinner with Pete and his family, I didn't feel like going home so I stopped by the mansion. Lex was in his office doing work. He had this old Polaroid camera on his desk so I took it and snapped a picture of him. We snapped a few pictures as the night went on.

He told me that I didn't have to pose naked for him, and that he was only kidding around. He said he could just imagine. I didn't feel safe or comfortable posing nude so I was glad he said that. I thought for sure he'd be disappointed, but he wasn't. He must have noticed the look of terror on my face when I saw the camera. He also said that he has to look for those nude pictures of himself from when he was younger, since he wasn't really sure where they are. I wonder how he looks in them or who took them or why he let somebody take them. I'm really curious, but I can wait. I would if he might feel uncomfortable about showing them to me.

The night was so warm we went for a swim. Lex had to lend me a spare suit. I had such a great time. I totally forgot everything else and just cut loose.

After the awesome cool down Lex changed and we went for a drive. He still had that truck he bought for me in his garage! I was totally shocked! We brought the Polaroid camera with us. I wanted to snap another shot of him.

We drove for a while and then we parked somewhere way out of the way so we could make out in private. I felt relaxed and the happiest I'd been all day. Lex snapped a few shots of me. The pictures turned out okay. They look a little dark but Lex liked them a lot. As long as he never shows them to anybody else that's fine by me. I'm dressed in them. Luckily we took the truck or we'd never have been able to do the things we did. Sports cars may be nice, but they are not conducive to doing 'stuff'. Lex totally blew me away. 

His cell phone rang just as we'd finished up. He didn't answer it. He was too incapacitated thanks to me.

We cleaned up and talked a little before finally going back to the mansion. I took one last dip and then went home. The moment I got up to my loft, my mom came up. She wasn't angry but she told me not to lie about being at Pete's the whole night since she had called them. I know she was worried because of the fight dad and I had, but did she have to check up on me? 

She wanted to talk about dad and why he's so overprotective. Mom is going to talk to him about it. I hope she can get through to him. I'm responsible enough now!

My mom figured out where I was for most of the night. We talked about Lex. I can't hide anything from her! It was kind of embarrassing because of what I'd just done with Lex only a few hours earlier. She urged me to be careful and told me not to do anything I didn't want to do. I must have turned ten shades of red. I guess mom knows now that I'm not a virgin. 

We even talked about my telling dad about what Lex means to me. I totally panicked. I thought for sure that she would order me to tell him, but she isn't going to. She thinks he'd take it a lot better than I imagine. I'm really not sure. I mean, dad does seem to like Lex better now since the storm, but I can't even think about telling dad. The idea sends my head spinning. Mom says I'll have to tell him some day. I just don't want some day to be any time soon.

 

15 July @ 10:47 am

I woke up in the air above my bed, and then I crashed to earth. Again!

This is not happening. Does this mean I can fly? I hope not because I'm afraid of heights. 

Mom's freaked. Dad's freaked. I'm still not talking to him and we have a ton of work to do. I think I'm going to bail after lunch and head over to Pete's.

On the plus side: I was dreaming about Lex. He was under me naked, spread out. In the dream he said that he belongs to me.

 

16 July @ 11:13 pm

Mom got fed up with the fighting between dad and me. She called a family meeting last night and it was not pretty. Things and words got thrown, but I do not care! I am sick of it! Sometimes it seems like dad just doesn't see that I'm not that little kid they adopted. I'm growing up!

I haven't really done much the last few days. I mostly worked. I did see Lex yesterday for a few seconds. I had to run off because of the family meeting, so we barely had a chance to talk. I have the farmer's market to get ready for tomorrow morning. It means I have to wake up bright and early. I usually do, but I hate the farmer's market. It's gotten kind of boring over the last little while.

Maybe Lex will stop by to steal an apple. 

I'm just hanging out in my loft tonight reading. Mom made the most awesome cherry pie. Yummy. It was so good! I love mom.

Dad and I got along today. At the family meeting he did finally say that I can have Dick over again, but he also said that it could only be one more time this summer. I have no idea if I want him over, I just wanted dad to say I'm mature enough for that. 

He never actually said it: that I am mature enough. Or that he thinks I am mature. 

That totally sucks.

Dad is never going to think I'm mature enough to take care of myself.

 

17 July @ 10:53 pm

I just got back from the mansion. I had the best night. It was so relaxing. 

I spent most of the morning with dad and mom at the farmer's market. Lex stopped buy to pick up an apple. He just happened to be in the neighborhood. At least Dad was nice to him.

I stopped by the mansion in the late afternoon. Lex and I played a few games of pool. Then we went for a drive and stopped in some remote area with nobody in sight. Lex took some more pictures of me. They look half decent this time. It's nice to have a day where I don't have to worry about anything. Isn't that what summers are for?

After we got back to the mansion, we went up to Lex's room to hang out and do stuff. I fell asleep and when I woke up again, I was excited so we fooled around. I was on top. Lex was tight and so hard. He responded with willing eager kisses and sounds that still echo in my ears. I like the way he feels under me, willing and giving his body to me.

I feel close to him right now even though he's at the mansion and I'm in my room. 

I wanted to stay but it was really late so I had to leave. I gave Lex major kissage and took off. Now I need to get to bed. My mom was still up when I got home. She didn't hassle me, since I was in on time.

 

19 July @ 12:37 pm

I'm being very lazy today.

I don't want to work. I just want to hang out. 

I sent the whole morning hiding from my Dad. Wherever he was, I make sure to be somewhere else. With my hearing and my speed, that was easy to do.

I couldn't avoid him for the whole day. He caught up with me when it was time for lunch. Just as I was eating, Dad came stomping into the kitchen with this huge list of things for me to do. He really wants to keep me busy. Mom made him realize that I need some time to just hang, and have a little fun, so I'm allowed today off.

 

20 July @ 12:10 pm

Yesterday, I spent the early afternoon just wandering around the fields. I sat up on the windmill for a while to watch the world go by. I was going to stop by the Talon, but I ran out of time. I did too much navel gazing, which gave me a lot of time to think on things. I have so much to think about lately. 

Thanks to mom, I had a really nice relaxing day yesterday. I'm still surprised that she managed to talk dad into giving me a break for a day. I still did some of my share and I still handled the produce deliveries. I actually like doing that chore since it means I get to drive around and talk to people. I like to talk to people. They tell me things. Today Mrs. Peterson told me all about her sixteen year old granddaughter who lives in the city, and would be perfect for me. I just smiled politely and asked for the produce payment. 

I spent most of my day thinking about Lex. I also thought about my ship and where it could be. I refuse to go look for it. I want it gone forever. I hope we never find it again. I thought a lot about how I would tell Lex about my true origins. I went through so many scenarios in my mind of what to say and how to say it. I had the nightmare again last night about it. In my dream he was so hurt by my lies, and when he told me to leave, I refused. Then he pulled out the lead box he gave me. When he opened it up, it was full of meteor rocks. I hate that dream so much. I know it's about guilt, and I really do feel guilt about not telling. I just can't do it. I know I shouldn't even think about it, but I can't help it. I'm getting so worked up just remembering the dream. I need to do something to take my mind off it.

I caught mom and dad making out in the kitchen. That did the trick. When I got home from my fabulous adventure abroad, I found them in the kitchen locked in a major kiss-a-thon. I really like that they're still so into each other, but I really think I should have fair warning. 

Mom was amused that I was grossed out by their display. It's not that I was grossed out; I just didn't need to see that. It drives home the limitations of our society, as well. It's not like Lex and I could do that. Sometimes I just think people are so unaware of their own actions, and how they affect the rest of the world. 

At least I got so see Lex last night. It was a nice night, too. We played pool and he kicked my ass over and over again. I totally suck at that game. We also starred in our own make out session. His hands in my hair and my hands on his hips; it felt so great. One of the things I like to do the most with Lex is kiss. He's got such gorgeous lips, and that scar on his top lip is so fascinating. I like to tongue it. 

I wish I could have scars. It could be cool. I could tell the story of how I got it, but my invulnerable skin makes that impossible.

I guess I'll just have to be happy with sharing Lex's scars. I'm sure he's willing to share them. 

 

21 July @ 12:09 pm

I just came in from the worse job on the farm: cleaning out the stalls. I hate that job and I always try to do it as fast as possible. Usually dad and I do it together, but this time, I had no choice since Dad needed to go into the next county for a part.

Unfortunately, I ended up moving just a little too fast and tipped everything over right on top of myself. I just showered so I wouldn't smell like the cows used me for a toilet.

Mom is making lunch. I thought I would take a few seconds to think. I find that writing here is almost like thinking out loud.

I had a nice day yesterday. I managed to stop by the Talon to see Lana. This time, I talked to her. I didn't want things to stay weird between us. I still feel a little strange because of the promise I made to her fake boyfriend. I promised him I would watch out for her.

She said that Whitney called her on the weekend, but she missed the call since she was in the city visiting Chloe. He even wrote her a letter that she said she hasn't opened yet. She did seem a little guilty about this. I can't blame her. Whitney seemed to really think that things between them could turn serous again. 

Pete stopped by while I was there. He had a new girlfriend with him. He gave me his usual pity look. I'm sure he thought I was there to 'Lana watch' as he always says. 

I didn't see Lex yesterday, but I think I'll go by today to see if he can spare some time for a game of pool, or maybe a swim. It's hot today. I'm going to ask mom if it's cool that I beg off the rest of the day.

@ 01:34 pm

I don't think I'll ever get used to the look on my dad's face when I do something super. That tree stump weighted nothing to me. I just yanked it out of the ground and it went flying. Luckily, I didn't hit dad with it. I did pull a little too hard, but sometimes I misjudge my strength. Or worse, I'm stronger today than I was yesterday. At least it landed on our property, and not somewhere far away. 

Sometimes it's so cool to be me.

 

22 July @ 10:00 pm

My day has been so nice. It started the usual way, working, this time in the field. We had a lot to do, and didn't get it done until late morning. Dad went back to the house while I finished up and found mom all upset over a loaf of bread. She burned her hand, and it's weird to me that she was more upset over the bread falling on the floor than the burn. I hate to see my parents hurt, and, I have to admit, sometimes I get a little guilty over the fact that I can't be hurt. Like the fact that I didn't even need oven mitts to get the pans out. They're not hot to me. I know what hot feels like, and that isn't it. 

I did all the deliveries for mom today, including the ones to the Talon, and the nursing home. After I finished those, I came home as quick as I could to do the produce deliveries. 

When I stopped by the mansion, I stopped in the office to see Lex. He was in a suit, which I don't see him in very often, but I guess he had some meeting. I didn't really ask. I was feeling sort of horny so I got down on my knees and worshiped him. He's so worth getting my knees dusty for. After he recovered, he pushed me to the ground and sucked me off. It's embarrassing how fast I come when he sucks me off. I like it when he touches my cock. This time the real reason I came so fast was because he touched me there. His finger brushed across my hole. It was the most amazing sensation. I didn't know what it would feel like, but it felt electric. This was more than pleasure. This was like fire coursing through my body. 

I was sure he'd never go there. Ever! But maybe he will. I don't want to ask him again if he'll fuck me since he keeps telling me he can't do it right now. I think I'll just wait until he brings it up. The fact that he went there is a good sign.

I can't believe that just typing all that makes me blush, and nobody but me is ever going to see it so I have no idea why I'm blushing. I hate that so much. It was so much worse when I was younger. I remember all the times when Pete and I would talk about girls. I would stop him before he got to what he calls the 'good stuff.' Eventually he finally stopped telling me the details of his exploits. I didn't need to hear details about anybody else's sex life. I think of it as something private. I usually feel so self-conscious about those posts even if I'm the only one who reads them. 

My mom is so cool, though. Mom and dad are going to take tomorrow off. I offered, and I just know I'll regret this tomorrow, when I'm in the middle of pitching hay. The huge bonus is that mom actually said I could stay over at the mansion tomorrow night.

I couldn't believe it. Even my dad agreed. Tomorrow night I'm going over to have dinner with Lex, and I'm going to sleep in his bed and **sleep** in his bed. We can have sex and I don't have to leave after. I can fall asleep beside him.

Of course I have to ask him first, but I'm sure Lex will say yes. Yesterday when I stopped by to see if he had time for a swim, we talked about what else we want to do for the summer, and I told him I wish I could come over and swim every single day. He told me I was welcome to stop by any time, even when he wasn't home. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could just spend my summer lounging around at the mansion with him.

I stopped by the troy room on my way out. I like that room. Every time I walk past it now, I think about the first time I was in there with Lex. I remember thinking that Lex was the most fascinating person I had ever met. He stood so close to me and he offered to help me get Lana. The necklace sucked, but I still have the box he gave me. It's here in the loft with me right now. 

I'm hanging out in the loft. It's a nice night and the stars are out. I might go for a run in a few minutes. Nighttime is the best time. I can hide.

 

23 July @ 05:00 pm

Room cleaned - check  
Chores done - check  
Backpack (with swim wear) packed - check  
Mom and Dad off to the city for the weekend - check  
Plan to seduce Lex and make him totally mine - check

I don't really have a plan, I'm just excited to go over there. I think things between us have gotten more intense and I really feel like we're moving to a whole new level in our relationship.

 

25 July @ 04:19 pm

I came home last night and passed out in the loft. It was such a nice weekend. I've spent nights with Lex before, but not at his place. It was nice not to have to go home afterwards. I had a great time: three times.

Friday night was a little bit of a shock since just as Lex and I were finishing up our first good time (I made a lot of noise and we were in such a hurry we forgot to close the bedroom door. Sound really travels in that place.) Mr. K called up to let us know that Bruce and Dick had just arrived. This was a surprise since Lex wasn't expecting guests. I was really glad to see Dick. They're staying for the week. 

After Lex settled them into a room, Lex and I went back to his room to continue our night together. We undressed and sank into bed together.

The morning was nice. I woke up to Lex's mouth on my lips, and then I jumped Lex as soon as I was awake enough. I think I really wore Lex out. He insisted that he wasn't sore, but I fucked him twice in one hour.

After the first time in the morning we lay in his bed, and I spent almost an hour touching him. I've never really touched other people, or for that matter, been touched by someone else. Lex is the first person that has ever let me this close to him. I think I touched every inch of his skin and not once did he ask me to stop. It's so weird to have that freedom with someone. I've always been told me not to touch. I've never been in the position where another person wanted me to touch them.

I hope that doesn't sound weird or creepy. 

At least Lex really liked it. He didn't stop me when I flipped him over and tasted his skin. I licked him until he begged me to fuck him. I really like the taste of his skin, especially in the morning. It turned me on, and I couldn't help myself. We ended up having sex again for the third time. 

We spent Saturday afternoon poolside. I want to live by that pool. I love being wet and I love when Lex watches me.

I'm waiting now for mom and dad's decision on whether I can go to the city for the evening with Lex and his houseguests.

 

26 July @ 09:10 pm

I haven't really thought about it much in a while. Every once in a while I have a nightmare about it, but mostly I just pretend it never happened. Today I came face to face with it again, and it was like it just happened yesterday.

Mom found out about last fall. Lana's aunt told her that I was the scarecrow. I have no idea how she could have found out. When mom asked me about the incident, I wanted to run away. I never wanted my parent to know about what happened. It's long over and there isn't anything they can do about it now.

She made me tell dad. We told dad together after dinner tonight. I even told them that Lex saved me that night. I look back on that memory and realize that a part of me fell for Lex after that incident. It was like fate that he found me. Dad got really angry. Mom and I argued with him for over an hour. He can be very stubborn. I want to just forget it ever happened.

After that, I came up to my room to think. I didn't tell my parents who did it. I think they can guess. I'm just hoping they don't try to bring it up again. It was so humiliating, and I already feel like it haunts me enough. 

My dinner out last night went well. It was kind of strange to be out in public with Lex. It wasn't as though we could hold hands in public. Bruce and Dick were with us at the restaurant. The food was really good. I ordered spaghetti and meatballs. The only part I didn't like was the helicopter ride. It sucked. I hate heights and I really don't like helicopters.

I saw Lex today when I dropped off the produce. He looked busy, as usual. I only had a few minutes for a kiss and a grope. He has such a nice butt. I want that butt again, very soon. I keep thinking about biting it. I could leave big teeth marks in the flesh. Then he'd be marked. Or I could write "This butt belongs to Clark Kent" on it. 

I wonder if other guys think this way. I wonder if where I come from other guys think this way. Are we even called guys? Maybe where I'm from the language is totally different. It probably is. I wonder what my home world is called.

 

27 July @ 11:22 pm

Mom gave me the day off so I called Pete. I picked Dick up at the mansion and we went over to Pete's place. We spent most of the day dirt biking. Pete spilled his bike. He was fine, but he made a total fool out of himself, which was funny after the fact. Even he had to laugh.

After we picked my friend up off the ground, Dick and I went back to the mansion. I expected Lex to be back from wherever it was that he and Bruce went, but they weren't, so I cleaned up as much as I could and went home. 

I showered for dinner since I was still dirty and after that I went up to my loft. Mom brought me some home baked cookies. She left after we had a long talk.

 

28 July @ 11:17 pm

I have no idea where my mind went. I have no idea why I snapped those handcuffs right in front of Lex. Did I want him to confront me? NO, because I fucking panicked and almost stopped breathing. Did I want to be found out? NO. I was terrified. I have never been so afraid. I wasn't even that afraid when I was up on that cross.

Everything was so perfect. He didn't freak when I held up the handcuffs. He let me cuff him to the bed. He begged me to suck him off and after he came, I lifted his legs to wrap them around my waist. He trusted me! He continued to trust me as I fucked him so hard, I thought for sure we'd break the bed. Nothing in his eyes said stop. His eyes were closed most of the time, but I could tell he was enjoying the moment.

It was so awesome. We were awesome. Then I ruined it with one second of carelessness. I could have just gotten the keys out, but when I saw that his wrists were red, I had to get those cuffs off.

Lex didn't question how I managed to snap the cuffs like they were made out of tissue paper. He ignored it. I lied and said that they must have been defective. He accepted that and told me he had another pair of handcuffs. I thought I was going to throw up. I can't even describe how afraid I was.

But I didn't run. I cleaned up and climbed back into the bed with Lex. I can't deny that part of me is glad that I snapping the cuffs, because having Lex under me helpless was such a rush. I'm afraid that I'll always want it that way.

I couldn't let that one thing ruin the whole night. I felt so alive. I was in control of my strength and it was amazing. Ever time Lex gives himself over to me like that I feel like he's telling me that he trusts me, even if he doesn't know about my strength. Nobody has ever given me that kind of trust.

He was under me; trapped, helpless and panting. His arms cuffed to the bedposts. I can't get that image out of my mind. It was as though for that one moment, nothing else mattered. I felt his heart pounding in his chest. His arms strained against the cuffs. I never realized how strong he is, but not anywhere near as strong as me. When I stroked his cock, and he came with me inside him, I couldn't hold back. 

I think I need to go jerk off now.

 

30 July @ 11:47 pm

I spent all day doing chores, and then dad practically ordered me to cut my hair. He said if it falls in my eyes when I'm working, I could have an accident. He was being ridiculous and he knew it. He just hates my hair when it's long. It's not even that long especially after mom cut it. She was so cool about letting me keep it long for the rest of the summer. 

Mom totally ambushed me today. I hate when she does that. She claimed she needed me to help her run errands, but it turned out to be shopping for clothes for me. I hate shopping. I usually just tell her to get whatever. I don't really care what I wear. I don't want my parents to spend a lot of money on me. We don't have much to begin with and what little we have could be spent on more important things.

The best part of the day was dad's surprise. He took us to dinner. After dinner we went to the Talon to get some dessert. I had no idea Lana was in the city. She told me she was going but I didn't think it was now. I can't believe how fast the summer is passing. I feel like I'll blink and it'll be September.

It's Chloe's birthday this Sunday and I got her something that I hope she'll like. I found it today.

I'm going stargazing tonight. Lex is too busy to join me. We've both been so busy lately. The stars are calling and so is more pie.

 

31 July @ 11:30 pm

That dream haunts me to the point of exhaustion. I can't tell anybody about it and I wish it would go away. Some days I feel that I can live my life this way: never telling anyone about what I really am. Then there are days where I feel that I can't face another person, not even my parents. Though they know who I am, they don't know me. I hide even from them. I'm a fake, a phony. I eat, sleep and breathe a counterfeit existence.

Most days I know I'm not a horrible person. Why does it make me a horrible person for keeping something like where I come from to myself? If I could just explain why my origins is not something I can share with them, or if I could tell them, my parents included, that I am not a thing to be used, maybe I could get some peace.

This time in the dream Lex tells me I'm not what he thought and that he's throwing me back. I wake up on the riverbank, and Lex is standing over me. He bends down and tells me to let him drown. He says he would rather die than love me.

After I woke up, just for a few seconds, I didn't know where I was. I thought the dream was real.

I didn't do much today. Lex wasn't home. I went by the mansion around seven but he wasn't there. The black Ferrari was gone, and it looks like he was drinking before he left or maybe not. I just found a glass of alcohol on his desk. I tried to call him, but I guess he was busy with something else. He probably had some important meeting.

I'm going to read and maybe see if I can figure out this dream thing. If I can't, then I might talk to mom about it. I need to talk to someone.


End file.
